


A Rivalry Between Gentlemen

by SnarkyGreenBean



Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series)
Genre: Alastor being Concerning, Hurt/Comfort, Mentioned Charlie/Vaggie, Multi, Period-Typical Homophobia, author’s mediocre French, hints of cannibalism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-06
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 01:06:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21688903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnarkyGreenBean/pseuds/SnarkyGreenBean
Summary: Sir Pentious knew he wasn’t stupid. Yet why, then, was he continuously attacking and provoking a demon he knew he could not defeat?He decides it is time he nip this...thing in the bud and approach Alastor about his traitorous heart.
Relationships: Alastor/Sir Pentious (Hazbin Hotel)
Comments: 33
Kudos: 225





	1. An eggsistential crisis

**Author's Note:**

> My first radiosnake fic!  
> Definitely a big content warning for internalized homophobia and self loathing. I also did all of this writing process on my phone, so I apologize for any stupid grammatical or spelling errors. Also my shitty French.

Sir Pentious thought he was losing his mind. Why else would he be throwing himself time and time again at an entity far more powerful than himself? He might be naïve and out of touch with the younger denizens of hell, but he certainly wasn’t stupid and he certainly knew when he was outmatched. Of course, with his mechanical masterpieces and fleets of loyal eggs, there were few who outmatched him still, but Alastor was most certainly one of them. He knew this. So, why did he keep showing up to fight the legendary radio demon when he knew he would wind up beaten into the dirt if not completely disintegrated or teleported to the man’s pocket dimension of captive listeners? Sir Pentious hadn’t the faintest idea. 

Well, that was a bit of a lie. He did have an idea. However, as a (mostly) upstanding and respectable Victorian man, he refused to let that idea take root. He was not a sodomite! Sure, he was in hell, but certainly not for that! Sure, he hadn’t had the best of luck in romance during his lifetime, but that had been no fault of his own. He was simply unlucky! No no, it had to be some sort of friendly rivalry between two influential gentlemen. A chance for him to impress his betters with his mechanical prowess and in doing so gain the favour of an incredibly powerful and infamous demon. He would be able to achieve so much more with the radio demon on his side. It was a clever business move, that was all...wasn’t it?

Damn. Damn his traitorous soul. There was no way these foolish decisions could rationally be chalked up to friendly rivalry. He was wasting precious resources fighting that man. He’d destroyed a dirigible that had taken his egg bois nearly a year to construct in a matter of minutes. He’d lost over half of the egg bois too. It was entirely irrational and horribly unsustainable to continue these hopeless attacks. He must nip this...thing at the bud and muster enough mettle to face the man himself, peacefully, and hopefully not end the encounter in scores of meaty chunks splattered across the streets of hell. Yes, that might work. 

Sir Pentious curled himself into a ball and switched off the gas light on his bedroom wall. He would face this in the morning, alone. Not only would those idiotic egg bois worry themselves silly if they caught wind of him approaching the radio demon on his own, but it would also be incredibly embarrassing. What would they think of him if they knew he was...whatever it was that he was? Would they all leave? Would they hold a strike and leave his headquarters defenceless right as Cherri Bomb was hunting him down? No, this was something that must be done alone. He set an alarm and drifted into a restless sleep. 

*****

Alastor slumped back against the wall of the hotel. Despite being the sole reason the structure was standing, Charlie had still insisted he assist with repairs on the hole Sir Pentious had blasted through the outer wall as well as the two massives craters he himself had made. Having used up a substantial amount of energy crushing the snake’s dirigible, he had opted to work on the repairs by hand and let himself recover. There had been plenty of crushed egg bois to sate his hunger, as well as a few lesser demons that had gotten caught up in the turf war earlier the previous morning. All he needed to do was let those digest and he’d be right as rain in no time! 

Unfortunately, since Charlie wanted the hotel back in its most presentable and welcoming state by eight in the morning, he had had to work through the night on shifts with Niffty, Charlie’s walking rain cloud of a girlfriend, and the unfortunately handsy Angel Dust. Husk has conveniently made him self scarce as soon as he heard about the rebuilding plans. Something about “I ain’t got the time” and “already got dragged here against my will” muttered under his breath as he had grabbed a few bottles of whiskey and locked himself in the basement. Angel and Niffty had gotten into quite the entertaining spat around three AM—something to do with drag and how Angel was “still definitely a guy, ya wanna check?”—but the night had been otherwise quiet boring and put him in an uncharacteristically stormy mood by the hotel’s eight AM re-opening. He could really go for a good stabbing, maybe even a small murder spree to release the tension, and he slipped away while the rest of the sleep deprived hotel staff and associates argued about something or another to make his way back to the radio tower for supplies.

What he wasn’t expecting to see when he arrived back home was a bruised and shifty-looking Sir Pentious standing at his door with his fist poised to knock. While he contemplated taking out his pent up frustration and sleep deprivation on the snake demon, he noticed a faint tremor in the man’s raised fist and a pinch in his brow that peaked his curiosity. 

“Good morning my good fellow! My apologies for getting back so late, but the hotel was quite the blast! Why, I might say you nearly brought down the house! Haha!” 

Sir Pentious jumped at the sound of his voice and turned to look at him with giant, nervous eyes. It was a good look, Alastor thought. He loved to see terror in the eyes of his enemies, especially when he was as tense as he was presently, and the addition of the subtle quaking was quite endearing.

“Oh! Um. Thank you. I was just...stopping by to uh. To say that um...Actually, would you mind if I sit for a moment?” Sir Pentious replied in a jumbled mess, growing paler and more anxious by the second.

“Not at all! Come on in. Have you had breakfast yet? I’ll cook you something if you’d like. I have plenty of eggs!” Al answered as he entered the radio tower in a whirlwind, Sir Pentious dragged behind and plopped unceremoniously onto a plush chair. 

“Oh! Oh no, no just some tea is fine with me.” Sir Pen interjected before the other man could leave for the kitchen. 

“Of course! I’ll be back in a moment.”

Sir Pentious fiddled with a loose string on the chair until Alastor returned, placing a cup of iced tea in his hands. He blinked at it as if it would explain itself to him if he stared into the glass long enough, then took a tentative sip.

“Cold!” He spluttered before setting the glass down on small coffee table in front of his coiled tail. Alastor laughed. 

“My apologies my dear, I forget that there are souls down here who aren’t accustomed to sweet tea. I did spend the majority of my years above ground in New Orleans after all.” He took a sip of his own tea. “ Come to think of it, I don’t recall where you spent your mortal days?” 

Sir Pentious hazarded another sip of tea before answering Alastor’s question. “I was raised in London, though I later moved to New Jersey and again to Paris, though only for the time in preparation for the World’s Fair.” 

Alastor’s smile seemed to grow wider at the mention of Paris.  
“Ah! Parlez-vous français? Je parle français, mais c’est ma deuxième langue.” 

Sir Pen stared for a moment. “I...never really picked up much French unfortunately.”

“Not to worry! We can jab all we need in English!” Alastor tilted his head and his smile grew ominous. “Speaking of jab, I have yet to ask you why you’re here.” 

Sir Pen squirmed and began to take great interest in the ice cubes floating in his tea.  
“Ah yes. That. Well, um. You see—and I’m sure you have noticed this—I seem to have gained a habit of um. Shooting at you. Blasting your property with a canon. That sort of thing.”

“You are quite right.” Alastor replied, chilling gaze unwavering. 

“Well! I thought I should stop by and um...explain myself a bit. A-as well as apologize! For the hole in the hotel, that is...and the obliterated radio tower...and that time I interrupted your dinner...and—“

“That is quite alright! Water under the bridge, really.” Alastor interrupted. “That is, of course, depending on how you intended to proceed, my slippery friend.”

“Of course! There’s only...one small problem and I need you to make a promise before I continue this explanation.”

“What might that be?”

“Don’t kill me until I’m done here. You may kill me whenever else you like, but please let me air this out before you chop me up into tiny bits, yes? Is that a reasonable deal?” Sir Pentious’ voice wavered as he spoke and he gripped his bottom hem of his suit jacket like a lifeline. Alastor in turn raised a brow.

“Well I can’t deny I was in the mood for a good kill a few moments ago, but you’ve piqued my interest. I already decided I wouldn’t kill you a half an hour ago. Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to know what exactly has you in such a tizzy?” 

Sir Pentious took a shaking breath and Alastor waited silently for the serpentine man to continue. After a lengthy pause, he spoke.  
“I care for you in an entirely ungentlemanly way. I apologize.” He murmured, eyes downcast.

“Come again?” The radio demon replied. He noticed Sir Pentious’ shoulders begin to shake. 

“I had a wife once, back in my mortal life. She was lovely. Far more caring and considerate than I ever was. I think I loved her, but she died giving birth to our son—they both did—just a year into our marriage. I spent the rest of my life terrified of getting close to anyone for fear of losing them. However, I did care for others, and I think something somehow went horribly wrong after that incident. I found myself wrapped up in the image of a fellow inventor as he had leaned around me to demonstrate how to use a certain tool. I had memorized his scent, his face, the way he smiled when an idea struck him. I buried the feelings until we parted ways and I thought that my curse had lifted when I died. But then I met you and it all started over again. Your smile and voice and charisma. I couldn’t get it out of my mind, and worst of all, I couldn’t rid myself of you. I think...all of these foolish attacks I’ve thrown at you have been attempts to rid myself of you, but you are too powerful. I’m at your mercy and I beg that you end this suffering somehow. Kill me, send me away, whatever you fancy. Just please make this stop. I don’t know what to do.”

At last, Sir Pentious lifted his eyes to meet the radio demon’s. Alastor went uncharacteristically quiet. He recognized that look all too well. Loneliness and loss. 

“You’re scared. Of hurting me?” He asked. 

The snake demon nodded. 

“You’ve been doing all this nonsense because you’ve been carrying a torch for me?”

Again, he nodded. 

Alastor laughed.  
And laughed.  
And laughed louder. 

“My dear, look around you. You’re in hell! Do you really think that any one of these twisted, horrific, abominable demons gives a damn who you wish to bed? They don’t! In fact, I know a number of fellows down here who have a grand time bedding far more people than they got in life. Now I must say in terms of sex, my bank is closed. However, you’re a fascinating fellow and I would not be opposed to calling a truce on our little rivalry here and getting to know each other a bit more. How does that sound?” 

Sir Pentious, for approximately the third time this morning, could do nothing but stare for a while at Alastor’s beaming grin (now much less bloodcurdling and much more...caring? Was that even a face the sadistic radio demon could make?) before he burst into tears. 

“Oh. Oh dear. That was not the reaction I was expecting! Do you need anything? I believe I have a handkerchief or some tissues somewhere around here.” Alastor frantically muttered as his guest shook and gasped and sniffed with no sign of a verbal response to his inquiry coming any time soon. Instead, the serpentine demon reached out blindly for his hand. Alastor looked at it for a moment, trying to decipher the gesture.

“Oh! Hand holding! Right! I’ll just, er...” he rambled and tentatively took the serpent’s offered hand in one of his own, patting it gently with the other.  
It took an uncomfortably long time for Sir Pentious to stop crying, but eventually he quieted and signalled the end of his outburst with a small squeeze of his hand. He then took a deep, shaking breath and quickly pecked the back of Alastor’s hand before releasing it and pointedly avoiding the man’s eyes. 

“My apologies.” He whispered. “I honestly wasn’t expecting to get through this admission alive much less have my feelings so warmly accepted. I admit I am quite out of my depth already a-and rather...tentative when it comes to...affection o-or intimacy, so I suppose I am relieved you will not be desiring such things from me.” 

Alastor tilted his head and let out a hollow laugh. “You’re glad that I don’t desire sex?” 

Sir Pentious frowned. “I...I suppose so? After a lifetime of believing myself somehow tainted or disturbed, I don’t think I could so easily accept this of myself quite as warmly as you have. Not just yet. I will need some time.” 

Another hollow laugh escaped the deer demon. “Well I guess we aren’t that different after all! Here I thought that I was the one tainted and disturbed! Ha! I guess there is some good in hitching up with a demon from a different place and time after all! Ah, I think I’m finally beginning to understand what that lovely demon princess sees in her ever-so-cheerful beau.” 

Sir Pentious swivelled to meet the demon’s eye with a look of shock. “Disturbed? For lacking carnal desire? Do you know what lengths men went to in my day to cull those desires? Ha! You would be the envy of all! Good lord, the things I could have achieved had my mind lacked the distractions of human desires!” 

Al stared, confused. “Envy me? For lack of desires? Ha! Haha! No no no, my dear, a lack of sexual desires most certainly does not make the mind more focused. Flattered as I am, I have always been quite preoccupied with other distractions. It’s the curse of a perfectionist I’m afraid.” 

“I...see.” Sir Pentious replied. “It seems my time got quite a few things wrong.”

“As did mine! Clearly, otherwise I wouldn’t have happened! But besides all that. What do you wish to do now that we have agreed to become better acquainted?”

Sir Pentious gasped and a giddy grin spread across his face. “Oh! Oh I have always wanted to bring a date to Mimzy’s club! I’ve heard such lovely things about it, but it just felt sad to go on my own.” 

“Mimzy! Why she’s a good pal of mine! I could get us free tickets to her next big show, waddaya say?”

“Really? You could- you would- I would LOVE to!” Sir Pentious stammered, face growing pink and eyes glossy. 

“But of course. Now, I have a lot to catch up on around here unfortunately, lots of favours to pull and hotel advertisements to make, but I will call you when I get our tickets.” Alastor said as he reluctantly lead Sir Pentious to the door and giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. “À plus tard, mon coco.” 

Sir Pentious went back to his workshop in a giddy daze. Were they really dating now? What did Alastor just call him? He decided to spend the night practicing his French and trying not to overthink that whole encounter or the fact that he was going on a date with one of the most infamous demons in hell. By nightfall he realized he had failed quite epically at both of those endeavours.


	2. Open Season

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alastor and Sir Pentious go on a date at Mimzy’s speakeasy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished my draft of this right as Ashley announced the stream with Stamper, so that was...weird timing.  
> Unfortunately, chapter 3 will likely take a while longer as I am now back at school and working on my senior project. As usual, I’ll give updates on my NSFW twitter @hornygreenbean, so feel free to follow me there!  
> Anyway, I hope you like chapter 2!

An incessant ringing woke Sir Pentious from his already restless sleep. He blindly smacked his alam clock in an effort to stop the noise, but realized that it was not the source of the ringing. Someone knocked on his bedroom door. 

“Hey boss! Boss?” The muffled voice of an egg boi came through the door, “You’ve got a phone call. Should we answer it for you?” 

“SHIT!” He exclaimed and sprung from his bed, overbalanced and smacked his forehead on the floor. He flung the door open in his hurried to get to the phone and grab it off the hook.

“Hello?” He asked, still a little groggy and dazed.

“Hello again my dear!” Alastor’s cheerful voice called through the phone, “I just heard back from Mimzy and it turns out her next show is tonight! Of course we can go at a later date if this is too soon and—“

“That is great! No problem at all! When and where shall we meet?”

“Oh I can just pick you up at yours at, say, eight? That will give us time to get settled in before the general public arrives.” Alastor replied.

“Excellent. I shall see you then!” Sir Pentious chirped and quickly hung up the phone...only to notice the seeping mess of egg innards splattered against the wall by the bedroom door. 

“Damn.” 

********

It was around six in the evening when Sir Pentious realized he hadn’t the faintest idea what to wear on his date. Him, a man from the 1880’s, with a man from the 30’s, going to a club from the 20’s. A suit would be appropriate, of course. Would a dinner jacket do? Tails were still popular in Alastor’s time, right? Would a silk waistcoat be too much? Maybe wool would be a safer bet. Was so much thought put into dressing in Alastor’s time? It certainly wasn’t by Husk’s time. He was probably overthinking and oh god, it was already seven thirty! Sir Pentious threw on the silk waistcoat (better overdressed than under!) and the tailcoat and perched himself on a chair in a futile attempt to look relaxed and casual. 

The knock at the door came at exactly eight o’clock and despite waiting for ten minutes staring at the door, it still made Sir Pentious jump. 

“Get the door you scrambled idiots!” He shouted at a couple of egg bois who had begun uselessly running in circles as soon as they heard the knock at the door. The two quickly stumbled over to the door and climbed on top of each other until one could reach the door handle. They both promptly fell and rolled aside as Alastor made his way into the house. 

“Good evening my dear, and might I say you look quite dashing!” He said, taking one of Sir Pentious’ hands and giving it a quick kiss.

“Oh! Um. Thank you! You um. You look quite splendid yourself.” The serpentine demon replied with a deep blush, tugging a bit on the brim of his hat out of habit and an effort to hide. 

“Why thank you! Now. Let’s head to Mimzy’s before the crowds arrive. I have much to show you!” 

Al lifted Sir Pentious by the hand he still held and guided him to the door. Once outside, he wriggled his fingers a bit in an effort to free his own hand, but Sir Pentious in his nervousness had it in a vice grip. Despite his initial response being discomfort at the contact, he decided to allow his date that small comfort and continued to hold his hand. 

“So! I am afraid I only know your title as of yet. Is there any nickname you would prefer I use instead of calling you Sir Pentious all the time? You can of course call me Al.” The radio demon said, adopting a more serious tone. Sir Pentious looked surprised.

“I’m not sure. I haven’t really had any close friends since arriving here. I haven’t really thought of a nickname before. I will have to think about it.” 

The two lapsed into silence for a while until they reached the front of Mimzy’s Speakeasy Club, a surprisingly subtle brick building. Alastor tapped a rhythmic code on the door and a short, bird-like demon opened the door.

“Oh shit! Don’t let me keep you guys waiting. HEY FINN!” The small demon yelled down the hall.

“WHAT NOW ICARUS I’M ON BREAK FOR FUCKS SAKE!” A gruff voice replied from within. 

“IT’S OPEN SEASON, PACK YOUR BAGS!”

“FOR FUCKS—RIGHT WHEN I OPEN MY BEER TOO. OK BIRDBRAIN I’M ON IT.” The voice shouted back followed by the sound of running feet and a lot of thumping. Alastor did not seem phased in the slightest.

“My apologies. This way sirs.” 

The bird man ushered the two of them inside, down a hallway, through a door with enough locks to secure the holy grail (not that that would be a likely find around here), down a set of stairs and through I final doorway that lead into a surprisingly large music hall complete with an enormous bar, a smattering of dining tables and a few VIP booths. Alastor and Sir Pentious were ushered into one of the VIP booths closest to the stage.

“Alright. Curtains open or closed? Show starts in forty five minutes, I can make myself scarce if need be or come back and take an order.” The bird demon said, finally looking a little more relaxed.

“Closed, thank you, but stop by a few minutes before the show starts. Also, bring a whiskey and tell Mimzy I’ve arrived.” Alastor requested, “Would you like anything to drink my dear?” He added and turned to Sir Pentious. 

“Do you have any absinthe?” He asked hesitantly. He could use the particular buzz of the green fairy right about now to calm his nerves. 

“Sure do! I’ll bring those out for you in a moment.” The bird host replied and loosed the ropes that held open the booth’s privacy curtains. 

As soon as they were closed, Alastor swung his grinning gaze towards Sir Pentious. “Well now! I feel I must admit to you that I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing!” 

Despite the joking mannerism that accompanied the statement, something in Alastor’s eyes signalled a touch of actual confusion and concern that surprised Sir Pentious. 

“Really? All this time I was concerned that I was doing something inappropriately for the courting etiquette of your era!” Sir Pentious chuckled, his anxieties beginning to lift. 

“I never dated anyone in my lifetime, so I wouldn’t have the faintest idea!” Alastor smiled. 

“Well then! Would you be amenable to me courting you in the manner I am accustomed to? It will take a little..adjustments considering we are not the um. Traditional sort of match one would find in my lifetime.” Sir Pentious rambled, shrinking into himself a bit as he thought once more about the taboos they were committing by the standards he had been taught. It still felt like he was doing something wrong despite his heart screaming to him that it was most definitely right. He had never thought he would get this far alive and therefore had not planned out as much of a course of action as he would have liked. He was stumbling over words and certainly making a fool of himself, yet for whatever reason the man stayed and listened. His heart was tying his brain in knots and he needed to fall back on something he knew to keep himself sane. He had courted a woman once. He enjoyed doting and showing off to an interested partner, and Alastor had so far shown a surprising amount of interest. So, in his momentary panic, he had suggested he court Alastor. Like he had courted his late wife. Nearly a half a century before Alastor’s time. He was really going to die this time wasn’t he.

Alastor, for his part, was weighing his options. He had already dipped his toes far too deep into this relationship business to back out now. He had decided as much when he had let Sir Pentious hold his hand on there walk over. It was clear that Sir Pentious’ admission the previous night had been genuine and in fact far deeper than he had imagined. He’d gotten plenty or rabid fans over the years who were drawn to his charisma or appearance, but he knew for a fact that none of them knew who he really was as an individual.  
Sir Pentious seemed different. He saw him as a peer, an aspiration in some regards and a kindred spirit in others. They both got their kicks from wielding power over others, and they were both quite cunning in the ways they had achieved their power so far in their immortal lives. However, his interest in Sir Pentious was still purely curiosity and not even the slightest bit of sexual attraction had sparked.  
At the same time, there was certainly some other sort of interest he couldn’t quite name that made him more inclined to give in to that curiosity and let the serpent have his way. This piece of the puzzle would take some more thought, but for now he made up his mind. 

“Aw, why the hell not! I certainly don’t have any better ideas!” Alastor shrugged after a tense silence. 

Sir Pen frowned. “Just to be clear, your agreement not to kill me still stands, yes? Could we possibly broaden that to, say...no mauling me within an inch of my life? No removal of limbs?”

“What? Oh no no no. I do not kill or maim my allies, and you my good sir are shaping up to be something more valuable than that! That’s a new one! I don’t quite know all of what I’ll need to make exceptions for in your case, but I do know that there’s no death in your future, at least not by me.” Alastor laughed. “Now! Who do I have to kill for a drink around here?” He added, projecting his voice beyond the curtained booth and causing the lights to flicker briefly. After a series of muffled curses and some rushing footsteps, the bird waiter appeared panting at their booth with a tumbler of whiskey and an ornate flute of absinthe. 

“Sorry. So sorry. Please don’t kill me. Do you need anything else?” He wheezed, then blanched at the cold grin Alastor gave in return.

“That will be all.”

“Oh. Ok. I’ll just...be leaving then...” 

The two demons didn’t have more than five minutes of peace with their drinks before the lights dimmed and a cheer arose from the crowd outside their secluded booth.

********

Two hours later Alastor and Sir Pentious were properly drunk and stumbling out of Mimzy’s speakeasy. 

“Well!” Alastor began, clapping a hand on Sir Pentious’ shoulder, “Was the show all you had hoped?” 

“Oh it was splendid! Mimzy has such a lovely voice. I was a little surprised by how...sultry the performance was. It was by no means unwelcome though!” 

Alastor laughed. “She does certainly know how to work a crowd! We have very different methods, but in the end it’s the entertainment of the masses that is our goal all the same.” 

Sir Pentious smiled at Alastor and leaned closer to him.  
“Have I mentioned that you have a melodious laugh?” He whispered. Alastor jolted and looked at his date partner with surprise. 

“I—pardon?”

Sir Pentious smiled wider. “Your laugh! I think it’s beautiful. Your smile too. You know, I think I’m beginning to notice when it is honest and when it is façade. Your eyes are softer when you’re truly happy I think.” 

Alastor fell silent. After walking (or in Sir Pentious’ case slithering) a few more blocks, Sir Pentious began to feel nervous again. Curse his liquor loosed tongue. Had he messed something up in his enamoured blabbering? At last, something changed as Alastor slowed and stopped. Oh, they were already back at the radio tower. This would be goodnight then. Potentially goodbye. Fuck, he wasn’t ready. The other demon cleared his throat to snap Sir Pentious out of his thoughts. When he looked up, he saw that Alastor was blushing. 

“I had a surprisingly good time this evening I want you to know.” Sir Pentious noticed that Al was speaking more slowly and deliberately than usual, as if he were trying to pick the perfect words. “I would quite like to see you again, in fact.” 

The snake demon’s eyes widened. “You...enjoyed it?” 

“Yes.”

“You would like to go on another date?” 

“Yes”

“With me?”

Alastor sighed and levelled his face with Sir Pentious. “There’s something unusual about you. I don’t know what it is, but I find it endlessly intriguing and I intended on solving that puzzle whether you like it or not. The fact that you offer yourself up for this scrutiny is simply a bonus in my eyes, so I advise you don’t look a gift horse in the mouth my slippery friend.” 

Sir Pentious gulped before shaking off his fear and drawing himself up to full height. “Well, I wasn’t going to turn it down in the first place, so you’re getting all bothered over nothing.” 

“Hmm, I see.” Al replied with a smirk and turned to walk into his home.

“Wait—don’t you walk away when I’m not done!” 

Al turned back around to see a flushed yet somehow still scowling snake demon. 

“Penty”

“Pardon?” Alastor tilted his head.

“You asked me earlier if I had a nickname. You may call me Penty.” 

Having said all he wanted to say, the absinthe in Sir Pentious’ system decided to give him one final burst of stupidity and he leaned forward to give Alastor a quick kiss on the lips. When he backed away, the other demon was stood stock still with a look of utter surprise on his face and—most surprisingly—no smile. Sir Pentious tugged down the brim of his hat and backed further away.

“Well then. I shall send you word when I’m available for a second outing. Goodnight...Al.” 

By the time the radio static had died down in Alastor’s mind, Sir Pentious was nowhere to be seen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so, so, so much for the lovely comments on chapter 1. The feedback really means a lot to me. I’ve gotten so many comments on this fic in particular that I’ve decided not to respond to all of them, but know that I read every single one and I will still respond to direct questions. 💚


	3. Don’t Murder the Therapist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Al opens up to Vaggie in a desperate attempt to sort out his emotions. Sir Pentious deals with his problems by hiding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait you guys! I’m still in college and the quarantine depression has hit like a freight train. Thank you all so so so much for the wonderful comments on the previous chapters. Your enthusiasm keeps me going. 💚

Alastor was acting odd and he knew it. Ever since Sir Pentious’ spontaneous kiss a few nights before, he had been periodically lost in thought, quieter than usual and easily angered. Of course Angel Dust took this as an opportunity to make some more unwanted advances, but this was quickly shut down by Alastor responding much more firmly than usual. After having one of his arms broken, Angel seemed to have decided to give it a rest, at least until the radio demon stopped acting so strangely.  
Surprisingly, the second to approach him was Vaggie. 

“Hey.” She confronted him as he walked into the main lobby, spear in hand. “You’re acting creepier than usual. You fucking broke Angels arm yesterday. Tell me what’s going on or I’m kicking you out of the hotel until you get your act together.” 

Alastor tilted his head. “And what, pray tell, do you plan to do if I do tell you what is going on?” 

“I don’t know, depends on the issue. Now speak up or I’m bringing Charlie in here.” 

Alastor sighed and took a seat on one of the lobby’s couches. “Believe it or not, I went on a date recently.” 

Vaggie scowled, but proceeded to sit down next to Alastor and put her spear away. “You’re...really not the type I’d expect to be having relationship issues Mr. No Touchy, but ok, I’m listening.” 

“You are quite correct! This was a brand new experience for me. Quite exciting! Though I do admit the picture shows seem to exaggerate quite a bit.” 

“Your deflecting. Just tell me what’s up. You have my word I won’t tell anyone. Not even Charlie. I may not like you, but using someone’s personal life as a weapon is playing dirty, and I’ve been on the receiving end of that shit too many times to wish it on anybody else.” 

Alastor scrutinized Vaggie’s face for a moment but found no signs of falsity. He was not keen on trusting anyone much less Charlie’s prickly partner, but he was at a loss as to how he was going to move forward with Sir Pentious. From what he heard, Vaggie was a fairly recent addition to hell, and her comfort dating Charlie implied a greater acceptance of homosexuality in her time than in his. It was possible, then, that she might have some useful insight on his problem. So, making up his mind, he grabbed her shoulder and teleported them to a vacant room. 

“What the—oh. Good idea.” Vaggie exclaimed as she adjusted to the sudden change is scenery.

“I don’t understand how I feel about a certain person. I do not want to have sex with them, yet I am inexplicably drawn to them in a way I’ve never felt before.” 

Vaggie frowned. 

“What do you mean by ‘drawn to them’?” She asked. Alastor thought for a moment.

“As you know, I’m not fond of touch unless I initiate it. I’m typically quite fickle with my acquaintances, not caring much if one leaves or stays. It is...different for this individual. I enjoy their company. I am comfortable with them touching me. They...kissed me at the end of our date. It was sudden. Something that would typically frighten me. However, I felt...peaceful. I didn’t know how to react so I froze up. I believe I may have frightened them and I’m oddly disturbed by that.” 

Vaggie listened in silence until it was clear Alastor was done speaking. 

“It sounds like you like them.” She said. Alastor turned to her with a look of confusion.

“I told you I am not attracted to them. I don’t want sex. I never have and this is no different!” he exclaimed, ending by putting his head in his hands. “It’s like there’s something broken in me. I want to want them, but I can’t. There’s just...nothing.”

“May I put a hand on your shoulder?” Vaggie asked after another short pause. Alastor nodded and she placed a hand on the other demon’s shoulder, gently squeezing it.

“You know, you don’t have to want sex with someone to be in love with someone.”

“What?” 

“You can love someone and not want sex. Those things don’t have to go together.” 

Alastor went still and silent for a while, pondering Vaggie’s words. He had never felt the way he felt towards Sir Pentious before, but he had also intentionally distanced himself from most people in life and after death. When he thought about it, the way he wanted to spend more time with and trust Sir Pentious resembled what he had observed to be love in other couples, he had simply never considered looking for similarities there before this moment, assuming it couldn’t be love if he felt no sexual desire. 

“Umm...you good? You just went really still for a second.” Vaggie spoke up, making Alastor jump. 

“I’m perfectly fine! Excellent! Actually, I have some...things I need to...do. Please excuse me.” Al muttered, stood, and swiftly made his way out the door. 

...And then stuck his head back in the room, reality crackling around his radio dial eyes. A black tendril of...something materialized from the floor and wrapped around Vaggie’s neck, just tight enough to make her vision begin to grey. 

“Oh and if you tell anyone about this conversation, I will have to kill you.” 

Vaggie was released once the radio demon left and slumped back down of the bed, processing all that had just happened and the new side of Alastor she had been unexpectedly privy to. The sound of running feet approached the door and Charlie peeked into the room.

“There you are! I heard some weird noises and was worried something bad happened. Are you ok? You look a little pale.”

“I’m fine! Just, ah...dropped a box cleaning up some spare rooms. I didn’t mean to worry you.” Vaggie replied, giving Charlie a quick kiss and leaving the room. 

********

“Work faster you fatuous fetuses!” 

A tower of egg bois wobbled dangerously at Sir Pentious’ exclamation. 

“We’re doing our best, boss! There still aren’t enough of us left to match our old productivity rates after...after...”

The egg boi began to cry, his companions quickly joining in, and their stack tumbled. Luckily none cracked, but their work boarding up the airship’s window was clearly stalled until the egg bois regained their composure. 

“Damn it all. Fine! I’ll board the window myself!” Pentious exclaimed, grabbing a hammer and uncoiling to his full height. 

This window was the final reinforcement he had planned after his date with Alastor went south. He knew he was fully responsible for the other demon’s discomfort, and he had no intention of facing the consequences of his foolish drunken decisions. If he was to die again, he might as well make Alastor work for it and go out with a little pride intact.  
However, that whole idea was shattered when a familiar black tendril shattered the window. Sir Pentious screeched and fell backwards onto a pile of distressed egg bois. An equally familiar figure materialized on the tip of the tendril and gracefully stepped down to the airship’s floor. 

“My my, you have been quite busy since we left off! I say, a man would think you would have fixed your doorbell amidst all this renovation. C’est très suspicieux, je pense. Qu’est-ce que je t’ai fait?” Alastor said, surveying the room as if he’d walked into an interesting party and hadn’t just burst through a half-boarded up window. 

“A-Al! I wasn’t expecting you so soon! M-my apologies for the state of things here. I have indeed been quite busy. Now, if you wouldn’t mind, I do have quite a lot yet to be done...” Sir Pentious spluttered as he brushed himself off from the fall, only to be pinned to the wall by a taloned hand, radio dial eyes filling his vision. 

“You were trying to keep me out.”

“...I uh...perhaps?” 

The talons tightened. 

“Did you truly think some flimsy boards would keep me out?”

“N-no?”

Alastor paused. His eyes returned to their normal red, but held the same restrained rage. 

“So you went to all this trouble to keep me out knowing full well I could get in anyway? Why?” 

Sir Pentious averted his gaze and sighed. “I expected that after our last meeting you had rescinded your promise to keep me alive. I did act quite rashly and I-I suppose while I’m still alive here I will say that I...apologize for my actions.” 

Al hummed as he scrutinized the demon in front of him. 

And then he kissed him.

Though it was little more than what Sir Pentious had done the previous time, both demons were fully sober and Alastor remained in his usual form. Once separated, Sir Pentious stared at Alastor in a state of shock. Al laughed.

“Well then! I do believe there has been a bit of a misunderstanding here. Désolé. My promise remains intact and you my dear Penty are still quite the enigma! Truly captivating! Congratulations, darling. I believe you might have found a heart I didn’t think I had.” 

And with that, the radio demon once again popped out of the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vaggie did not sign up to be a couple’s therapist. Someone give this poor girl a raise.


End file.
